


Silence is Golden

by FleaBee



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2017-05-06
Packaged: 2018-10-28 14:40:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10833333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleaBee/pseuds/FleaBee
Summary: Not being able to touch or feel was bad enough, but losing other senses made living as a hologram unbearable. A security camera was more use than Rimmer in his current predicament.





	Silence is Golden

**Author's Note:**

> Written for The Review Lounge, Too 2015 Green Room Challenge. Challenge Eight: The Silence Challenge
> 
> Originally posted on fanfiction.net 24 October 2015

Something was wrong. Something had woke me up, but what? It wasn't the light shining off my holographic body. When I first died and been resurrected as a hologram, I struggled with sleeping because of the constant light. As a hologram, I shouldn't need to sleep. It was programmed in for a holograms mental sanity. It was hard enough not being able to touch or feel anything. Not sleeping on top of that had driven the majority of the early holograms mad. The constant light and the knowledge that the real me is dead. I'm not the real me even though I feel like the real me. Lister treats me like he did the real me, which helps with coping with my own death. He avoids walking through me, something I appreciate; though I would never tell Lister. If I did, he'd possibly start running through me on purpose.

I'm a digital life form created from data and algorithms and other nonsense I don't understand to replicated the real me who had been dead ever since the radiation leak that killed the crew. A radiation leak that was my fault because I didn't repair the drive plate correctly. Why I had been assigned to the job I don't understand; I was under-qualified for the task, plus I was meant to be on medical leave after having an anxiety attack during my astronavigation exams earlier that day.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. I had just been discharged from the medical wing, ordered bed rest by the medical staff when I ran into the Captain waiting for me in front of my bunkroom. He ordered me to fix the drive shaft; I didn't have the courage to tell him no, that I wasn't fit to repair the drive shaft.

I wish the medical staff had put me into stasis. Everything would be different if I was placed into stasis. I would be alive today if the medical staff put me into stasis. Either someone else would've fixed the drive plate, or I would've been survived the way Lister survived. The medical staff put me into before, after the exam where I had written 'I am a fish' over and over for every answer. I thought I'd done well on that exam. What I wrote on the paper and what I thought I wrote do not match up at all. Lister will never let me live the 'I am a fish" incident down. I don't know why I can't do well on exams.

I know what's wrong; I can't hear Lister snoring! He can wake the dead with his snores. Now I can't sleep without hearing his elephant like snores. After I died, hearing him was a comfort to know I'm not alone, that I still exist even if I am only digital now. Early on I tried moving into another room not long after Holly has woke us up. I couldn't sleep. When I'm alone it doesn't feel like I am real. Lister obviously didn't like being alone either because he didn't complain about my glow keeping him awake after I moved back in. Everything feels so lonely knowing that it's only the two of us and the Cat.

I can't hear Cat roaming the halls either, claiming everything as his, playing with his string, announcing how good he looks, or wanting to be fed in the middle of the night. I've woken up many mornings with Cat sleeping on my bed. Not caring that I am there and that he's sleeping through my body. It's not unusual not hearing Cat. It usually means he's curled up asleep somewhere or in a different part of the ship.

I'm thankful for the slight light generated from my holographic body. I was afraid of the dark as a child. It was one of many phobia's that I always hoped I would grow out of but never did. Due to the glow from my body, I didn't need to turn the light on to see that every was where it is was supposed to be. Lister's dirty laundry pile growing in the corner. I'm not sure how his clothing pile managed to increase since he always wore the same outfit and yet it did. Only last week Holly had declared his laundry pile an unidentified living life-form.

I know that I won't be able to go back to sleep till I check on Lister. I stand and see that Lister is still in his bunk. I thought he'd left to go elsewhere since I couldn't hear him. Either to get a midnight snack or to the movie theatre. I'm a pretty heavy sleeper and don't wake when he gets up most nights. He also doesn't wake when I can't sleep. Both of us are heavy sleepers.

I took in a sharp breath, he looks dead. I've never known him not to snore, and no sound isn't reassuring in the slightest. I'm flooded with relief when I see that is in fact still snoring, but that brings a new panic - I can't hear! I can't hear Lister, I can't hear the hum of the air conditioning, I can't hear the pipes or the hum of electronics and the ship's engine. Our rooms are not sound proof to the noises of the ship like the officers quarters. I've gone completely deaf!

Panic is starting to set in, I command the lights to turn on to try and calm myself, only to find nothing happened. The voice activated lights didn't turn on. I try multiple times, still nothing. Screaming as loud as I can, the lights still aren't turning on or waking Lister. Lister not waking doesn't really mean anything. My last hope is Holly, I turn to the computer screen and call the ship's computer. Nothing. Holly doesn't come. I'm not only deaf, but I'm also mute. It's bad enough not being able to touch or feel anything. Without being able to talk or speak, all I can do is move and see. A security camera is more useful than I am in my current state. The realisation that I cannot speak or hear sets off a panic attack. My vision starts to black out, causing even more panic. I'm going blind as well. Everything goes black.

 

I wake up on the floor hours later. Lister is standing over me, looking at me with concern. That concern disappears as soon as he realises I'm awake. I still can't hear what he's saying but at least I can see again. The Cat appears happy that I can't talk. Mocking me every chance I attempt to say a word. Lister sends worried looks my direction whenever he thinks I'm not paying attention; otherwise, he's with the Cat in mocking me. Lister's his mocking appears half-hearted like he's only doing it to hid his worry because he doesn't want me to have another panic attack.

Without the ability to call Holly I'm stuck in my pyjamas unless Lister remembers to ask the senile computer for an outfit change. He barely remembers to change his own clothes let alone asking the computer to change mine. Without being able to order the scutters to help me with the ship, I settle down to read some books. My holobook reader is thankfully available to me.

I go about my day hoping that my hearing and voice will come back. Trying not to think about losing my sight again.

That night after Lister goes to sleep, I'm lying awake. My hearing didn't come back during the day. Only one day and I already miss bantering with Lister. Without his snores, I can't fall asleep. After hours of lying awake, I get up to check that Lister is there. I feel relieved every time I see him. I'm not alone. I manage to get a little sleep, but keep waking and can't fall asleep till I check and see Lister is still there. I wonder if he will notice if I climb into his bed?

 

After a week I still cannot speak or hear. Lister never showed any displeasure to me climbing into his bed every night after he falls asleep. I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight, he and the Cat have left the ship in Blue Midget. I believe, to go down to the nearby planet for some recreational time. It has an atmosphere. They left me behind. I don't know if they even tried to tell me what they were doing. They could've written me a note, but they didn't even do that. I didn't feel like going anyway. But now that I'm alone I wish I was with them.

Lister and Cat aren't going to help me. A week they haven't even thought to ask for a clothes change or any entertainment for me. It's time that I do something about my inability to hear since it's obvious that no-one else is. What I can do about it without the ability to touch or talk? I have no idea, but sitting around reading all day isn't going to help.

I enter the ship's holographic suite. I don't like coming down here. A living crew member's life was valued over a digital life, and this room reminds me I am not living. The room is huge with the banks and banks of computers. All that just to keep my image projecting. Maybe it was a power issue? What would I be able to do if that was the case?

Walking through the banks of equipment, looking at the flickering lights, they appeared to be on. I don't know if they have any meaning. At the end of the banks is a bed. I'd never used it but was provided in the event all quarters were in use. With only myself and Lister that will never be the case. The hologram when I first joined Red Dwarf had used these quarters. Being an officer his original quarters had been reassigned to his replacement.

Lister didn't know it, but under the bed in the holosuite was where I'd hidden the crews holodiscs. Lister would turn me off in a heartbeat and replace me with Kristine Kochanski in a heartbeat despite the fact he'd only spoken to her on two of three occasions. I don't know what was so special about that snooty console officer that she still has Lister's heart even after three million years.

Across from the bed was a console I'd never paid attention to the last time I was in the room. The console shimmered the same way as my holobook reader. I didn't want to get up my hopes that it was holographic, I took a calming breath and closed my eyes, reaching out my hand and only opening them when it hit something solid. I am able to touch it! It has holographic interface.

Immediately I sat down in the chair and started flicking through the different menus. I could change my clothing from the interface. My work uniform felt so refreshing after being stuck in pyjamas for a week. Before looking at how I could fix myself, I searched through what options were available to me. I had more books that could be loaded into my holobook reader. I had accessories I could access. Musical instruments, sports gears and even a bag of tools that couldn't actually be used.

My mouth watered at the food menu. So many options and I wanted to try them all. Selecting liquorice to start with I closed my eyes, savouring the taste. I could still taste, that was one of my senses. I wanted to sit here trying food all day, but for now, I had a problem I needed to fix.

Glancing at the diagnostic menu. I gulped, clicking on the menu, scared of what I would find. An error was flashing with reporting problems with sound. A Full scan was recommended before fixing the issue. Running the full scan would take me offline. That thought scared me. I hated being offline. It was like no time at all passed whenever I was turned back on after I was offline. The worst thing was not knowing if I would be turned back on. I steadied my breathing, taking a deep breath before I turned diagnostic mode on.

 

It felt like only moments, but according to the computer display, three days had passed. I still couldn't hear anything, I was hoping that being offline would fix the issue. I read through the diagnostic reports. The sound card in server three required replacement and the audio receiver in rack twenty-two. The sound drivers had also been corrupt and needed to be uninstalled and reinstalled. Reinstalling the drivers was easy. I could do that from the holointerface as long as the backup of the drivers hadn't been corrupted. Replacing the parts was going to be the tricky part. I hoped that Lister was back so he could fix the sound issue.

Since I didn't know how I was going to fix the sound issue yet, I read further into the diagnostics at the other matters that were not related to sound. In my personality traits along with my fears and neurosis, it listed Developmental Dyscalculia. I have no idea what that even is, did I need to be concerned about it? Oh well, it could wait till I finished sorting out his sound issue? Turning around, I found the equipment requiring attention was now flashing with arrows pointing to them. I wasn't sure if it was only visible to me or if it was projecting my the holographic system.

Leaving the room, I left to find out if Lister and Cat had returned. I was out of luck. Lister wasn't in their room, and Blue Midget wasn't in the docking bay. They were obviously still on the planet. Hopefully, they hadn't got into trouble because I wouldn't be able to help them.

 

After taking a day's break, hoping that Lister would come back, I was back in the holosuite trying to find a solution to fix myself without a physical presence. The only time I had a physical presence was when I was using a light-bee. I usually only used a light-bee when I left the ship. It had been a wonderful discovery, so I didn't have to be carted around in that awful holocage. I didn't have much use for one majority of the time unless I needed to go into sections of the ship that didn't have projectors. The lightbee was battery powered and could project his image further then the ship could. The ship's holosuite was still needed since the lightbee's was not designed to sustain a hologram for extended periods of time.

Going through the holocomputer, I grinned when I discovered I could send text commands to the scutters. They were going to hate that. I could assign names to them as well, and instead of fixing myself I went and assigning names that Lister and I had named the working ones. I sent a text command to Pink and Perky, those two always worked best together. If they did well on the holosuite maintenance, I would allow them to continue helping me with repairs. Just like Stabb-im was permanently assigned to the medibay. His name has started as a joke and ended up sticking. Bob and Marge were the most skilled skutters and also worked in a pair, they hated him and only listened to Lister and even then were selective about what orders they followed.

 

The scutters gave me their version of the finger multiple times, in between each job. I tried not to lose his temper, or have and anxiety attack. It was hard since they were not doing things the way I wanted.

Both scutters escaped after the cards were replaced. I turned my attention to the drivers and then closed my eyes as I restarted the sound system. Nothing was happening, and I was afraid that it wasn't going to work. It took several moments for anything to happen. A low soft hum I could hear again. I covered my ears as the hum progressively got louder and didn't stop, it was so loud and painful. I struggled to my feet to turn the sound off, to discover that it was all part of the sound diagnostic test. Whoever made this test had never been dead. I had to calibrate my hearing and voice. It took a while to get everything sounding and hearing right, It had been a success, I could hear again.

The hum of the ship was deafening after spending a week without the ability to hear. The hum of the engine, the buzz of the lights, the whoosh of the air vents. From down the hallway, I could hear music to my ears. Lister was back, and he was arguing with Holly and Cat. Music to my ears ... for now.

I listened in, trying to find out what they had been doing. I felt light headed as I learnt they were trying to fix me. They'd never been on holiday. Apparently, there was wreckage on the planet. Lister had been trying to find parts to fix my sound since he'd failed at fixing me with Holly's help. They were fighting over him and the best course of action to repair him. Lister wanted to help me to hear and talk again. Cat didn't want to help and all and liked the fact that I couldn't talk. Holly was convinced I was broken and beyond fixing but would fix him me he could.

The look of disbelief on Lister and Holly's face when I informed them I had fixed myself and didn't need anyone's help was priceless. Cat stalked away, displeased he was fixed.

 

Lister was playing her guitar, the noise was awful. I was wondering if I could turn my hearing off for occasions when I couldn't stand Lister attempting and failing to play music. On this occasion, I didn't mind the awful racket, happy to be able to hear after close to two weeks of silence. Humming happily just to listen to some noise I continued revising for my astronavigation exams, not that he did any good. It was all gibberish like I was trying to read another language. I could never remember the equations. Even the time I tried to cheat during his exams and written the equations all over my body I managed to copy them wrong. I should head back to the holosuite and check my personality traits, I was getting nowhere with the math required and I needed to learn more about how the holosuite worked, after all, if anything ever happened it affected me.


End file.
